Work. Inconvenient yet necessary. Sometimes it's downright torturous to go. Not because I hate my job or my co-workers, my boss or my responsibilities. On the contrary, I rather enjoy it most of the time. But now that Calvin's here, it's not easy to be apart from him, and some days it's especially difficult.
|never easy to leave him|
I am the one to take Cal to his daycare in the mornings, and we've cultivated a little ritual just before I get him settled into his car seat and we rush off. I hold him close, rock him and tell him over and over that I love him. He always lets me snuggle him, and often babbles as if saying, I love you too, mama. It's these moments that I wish would last much longer than they do, and the ones that especially make me regret having to leave him.
|kicky feet in his car seat|
But I take solace in knowing Calvin goes to a great little school during the day while we work hard to support him, and I know how good it is for his development to be around his teachers and the other babies. They adore him and take wonderful care of him.
Still, often during my work day, I think about him (ok, pretty much constantly) and it strikes without much warning that I'll suddenly long for him with a surprising intensity. Usually it's a little thing, like thinking about his coos while nursing, when he holds my finger tight with his little hand, or how he curls his toes when I kiss the soles of his feet. In the early days these thoughts would threaten tears shed, but nowadays I take a moment, a deep breath, and smile at the sweet ache.
|chillin in his Bumbo|
I don't know if maybe one day in the future I'll have the opportunity not to have to work outside of the home. If I did, I know myself and I know I'd go stir-crazy if I didn't do something - I'd most likely focus more on my photography, and perhaps volunteer when possible. For now, I do know how fortunate I am that I have a good job that I can rely on to help support my family, not to mention being able to afford high quality care for my child while I'm at work.
And, I'll continue to daydream about my beautiful little boy, and eagerly await our little reunions every evening.
I love you, Calvin. Always always.